In My Dreams, You're There
by theimpalaismybaby
Summary: "What does it mean to dream? What is the act of dreaming like for you?" Todd and Neil have been given an assignment to capture their dreams and analyze them to help them seize the day and be who've they've always wanted to be. Slash.


It was a dark night, after curfew, after meeting for the Dead Poets Society took place, much to late in the night to do anything but sleep. Todd was safe back in his bed, but his mind wouldn't let him sleep. Neil was on the other side of the room at the desk, scratching words onto paper.

It was one of those insufferable nights where it was too stuffy inside, but pouring hard, undoubted rain. The sounds reverberated off the window, the gentle onslaught tapping against the roof of the building. Claps of thunder every now and again shook the foundation of the school and brilliantly lit up the sky. The sound of the rain and the heat thumping from the radiator made Todd miss home, it made him wish that during this cold night, he could open the window and walk, just like he used to do back home when the rain fell in sheets like they did now.

Grunting softly and leaning back away from the window, he dared a glance at Neil, who had his hands threaded through his silky brown hair looking as if any slight noise could snap his delicate concentration as he regarded the half scratched out paper in front of him. Frowning, Todd leaned his head back against the wall and thought back to class. The rain lulled him into his thoughts as Neil's pencil provided the beat.

"_What?" Cameron mumbled in confusion, causing Todd to look back at him, noticing the confused look on the ginger's face. His outer appearance reflected Todd's inner one. What was Mr. Keating talking about? _

_The man at the front of the room leisurely swung his legs from the front of his desk, leaning back on his hands, that half grin on his face that Todd had begun to suspect meant trouble for him and the DPS. Seconds ticked by as all the boys squirmed around in their seat._

"_I-"_

"_Yes, I heard you the first time Mr. Cameron." The contemplative voice told the class, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling. Minutes passed by this time as Cameron almost had an aneurysm. "What does it mean to dream? What is the act of dreaming like for you?"_

_The class is quiet as Todd locks eyes with Neil, who grins at him._

"_It means to be visited by a Double D nude swimsuit model. It's like having a sleeping orgasm." A deep voice piped from the back. All the heads snap back to lock on Charlie Dalton's grinning face._

_DING!_

"_No, but thanks for playing, Mr. Dalton," Mr. Keating smiled mischievously and locked eyes with Neil. "Mr. Perry, what is the dream state like for you? What do you dream of?"_

_Leaning forward over his books, the young man thinks about this as the light from the ceiling highlights his hair. "It's like… This unexplainable feeling."_

"_More. Describe it."_

"_It's like being pulled down into this barren abyss, but being ok with it. Everything in there, reflected from the mind represents something. A pencil out of place, a bed missing, or even a stranger smiling at you. Every little detail is ordered accordingly without our forethought. And we're supposed to take the time out to decipher it and use it to benefit our everyday lives."_

_A collective silence as the class soaked in the words. Mr. Keating popped his eyes open again, the largest grin on his face. "Exactly! That is what dreaming feels like. That's what we're supposed to decipher from it. If you can find out what your dreams are telling you, you can really seize the day!"_

_Todd looked over at Neil, who was looking up at Mr. Keating as if he'd seen the light, as if he was the new face of God. Todd wasn't sure why but it aggravated him. He looked back down at his paper and paraphrased what Neil said before returning his attention back to the teacher._

"_So for your assignment," Mr. Keating stood and paced the room, slowly going down the aisles. "Every night, I want you to keep a journal by your side. I want you, as soon as you wake up, to quickly jot down the larger, and even smaller details of your dream. Anything you can remember, really. Later that day when you have quiet time, I want you to piece together your dream and I want to see a written report handed in next Wednesday. And don't tell me you don't dream, Mr. Anderson."_

_Todd looked up and gulped, his eyes wide._

"_Everyone dreams. Though some dream multiple times a night. I want at least six dreams which means six plus papers. Got it?"_

_The bell rung as the class murmured their agreement._

That was Wednesday, it's now Saturday. Of course Todd had done the assignment, but every time he thought about handing in the report, his throat closed up and he couldn't get up the courage to walk to the front of the class and face Mr. Keating.

He knew Mr. Keating wouldn't leak the information from his dreams and what they meant, but every time Todd thought even for a remote second it was ok to turn it in, his heart seized and he quickly shook his head, shoving the journal under his pillow for another day.

What gripped him the most and terrified him was he had no need to decipher his dreams… They were as clear as day, as clear as a pristine ocean in the mountains. He could feel, hear and smell everything in the dreams. He knew what they meant. He just didn't want to admit to himself what it meant for him. Or for his career as a student here.

Swallowing, he was brought back to reality by Neil's hand shaking his shoulder. Snapping his eyes away from the window, they dropped down to the open journal in his lap, landing on the words: _I don't want to feel this. I don't want to be in love with him._

Guiltily looking down at his journal, fear flashed in Todd's mind. Breathing loudly, he desperately closed the book with his neat handwriting and shoved it far, far away from him, concentrating on reality and looking up at those deep, soulful brown irises staring down at him.

He caught Neil's look of amusement, before it flashed back into concern.

"Hum?" Todd mumbled, before shaking his head and leaning back away from Neil's touch, a faint pink dusting his cheeks as his heart hammered in his chest. "Y-yes?"

Emotions flashed across Neil's face, and Todd thought for a second he saw rejection and hurt etching the beautiful boy's face. Shaking his head, he moved his eyes away from the confused face of Neil Perry.

Chuckling softly and leaning back against his bed, Todd swallowed and smiled anxiously. "S-sorry… I've had a long day… There's… a lot on my mind." He mumbled sheepishly, his hand going up to his hair to run his fingers through it.

A look of understanding passes over Neil's face as he nodded his head slowly. He could tell how much Todd had been regretting the assignment and how much thought he put into the journal. Though, he wondered what was in it for Todd to have such a reaction.

Stepping away from Todd to give him space, Neil collapsed back into his chair, almost wanting to backtrack. Maybe asking this of Todd was a total mistake…

Grinning sheepishly, he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.

"I need help with my journal. Deciphering a dream… If you're not too busy with your own… Can you help me?" He wondered, his eyes darting to find the right words so he didn't scare Todd off. The dream he had couldn't be… Could it?

Shaking his head at his thoughts, he looked back up locking eyes with Todd with an apologetic look on his face. "Please?"

Blinking slightly out of his stupor, Todd smiled at Neil and shrugged. "Sure… I can help you. What are you having trouble analyzing?" Swallowing his anxiety, he pushed himself from the creaking bed, slowly making his way to Neil who had swiveled around in his chair and tapped the page with his pencil.

"Right here. This." Todd listened, straining his ears. For a second, he thought he heard what sounded like indecisiveness, worry, fear, but most of all regret.

Staring at Neil's profile, his eyebrows knitted together as he studied the mystery of his roommate, before finally gracing his eyes down to the page.

The handwriting there was not nearly as neat as Todd's own, but if he squinted enough and leaned forward, he was able to make sense of the crooked, sprawling letters on the page. Letters soon formed into words which formed into ideas.

And ideas formed into confusion.

Blinking in surprise, he ignored the questions that lined the page, etched into the book, the little noted jotted here… there and instead re-reading the paragraphs, feeling his cheeks heat.

_It's snowing, beautifully. I'm standing in the middle of a mound of it and I'm not… alone. He's with me. The same person from yesterday's dream. He's shy and shivering. I'm not. I'm warm as if his shy smile beams direct warmth into my body and I can't help but feel escalated as he's appeared once again._

_In my dream, I know I shouldn't be this happy, should instead be sad of the thoughts running through my mind. I should hate myself for wanting to walk to him, throw my arms around him and kiss him in this winter wonderland. But the thoughts don't stop me and I do just that. I trudge through the snow, biting through my pajama pants and throw my arms around his neck._

_He stares back at me, taken back, but happily sated as we lock lips, passionate, soft and warmth spilling between our lips, throughout bodies. I know this face. It's a face I see every day, right?_

Stopping his eyes, Todd chuckled nervously as he was aware of Neil's eyes sticking to the side of his face, judging for any reaction. Any sign or disgust or arousal. Todd swallows and moves his eyes away from the page, disguising the hurt as he takes a step back away from the small desk, away from his roommate who is searching his eyes, his face, his body as if it would betray one thing, the one thing that Neil needs to know.

"I…" Todd chuckles, rubbing the back of his head as spasms seize his throat. He swallows past them and nervously bites his lips. The pain. He can feel it welling up in his chest. He can feel the regret, the hurt, so tangible, so throbbing that Todd has to collapse back onto his bed as he closes his eyes tightly, his head pounding, his palms pressing into his eyes.

"You… you're gay." The words left Todd before he could stop them, but they stung as they dribbled from his lips. He should be happy… Should be escalated.

Silence filled the room as Neil fiddled with the button on his shirt and swallowed, putting his palm in his hands. _It was only a kiss… Only a kiss._ He could tell by the stream of words that left his roommates lips that he was condemned. Anger and pity twisted in his stomach as he choked out a half-sob.

"I'm sorry, ok? It's not like I can control this attraction…" A bitter laugh follows Neil's angry confession as he looked up, biting his lip angrily, willing Todd to look at him.

Todd's arm bumped his journal and all he could think about was the last line he wrote of analysis of his last dream.

_When the dream turned from a cold winter day to a sandy beach and he was there waiting for me, it made me realize in reality that my thoughts are pressing this matter into my dreams so I'll finally wake up and realize that I'm in love with him. I'm in love with Neil Perry._

"You're gay and you're in love with this guy of your dreams. Even though your mind can't quite picture his face… It's obvious, Neil…" Taking a deep breath, Todd abruptly got up and gave Neil and empty stare as his lips tugged down into a deep frown. "I have to go get some air…" He whispered.

Neil couldn't stop him. He couldn't do anything. He hadn't come to terms with his love until it was spoken by Todd himself. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe that he was in love with one of his best friends.

The sound of the door slamming made Neil cringe and grit his teeth, before letting out a sigh and running his hand over his face. Looking out the window, he took in the cold rain beating against the window and thought back to Mr. Keating.

_If you can find out what your dreams are telling you, you can really seize the day!_

But Neil Perry didn't want to admit that he was in love with Todd Anderson. No, he couldn't be. Even as he gripped the last stages of denial, he knew it was true.

As he closed his eyes, he could see Todd in his dream, smiling sweetly, a shy blush dusting his cheek. He was fidgeting, nervous he would do something wrong. Neil found that endearing and incredibly heartwarming.

It was Todd. He was in love with Todd.

Opening his eyes, he looked back at the window, then at the door. Seconds ticked by in a slow spiral of time.

_Seize the day, boys! Follow your dreams! Because if you don't, they disappear._

Throwing back his chair, Neil raced out of the door and down the hall, desperate to find Todd. Desperate to make it right.

_Todd? The world's first unmanned flying desk. _He could hear his voice in his head, a large smile on his face as he watched Todd grin back at him and throw it off the roof. Throw caution to the wind and feel something rush through his veins. _Oh my! Well, I wouldn't worry. You'll get another one next year._

His footfalls pounded on the pavement as he rips open the front doors of the dorm, dropping down the stairs, panting, hoping, reaching out to find Todd.

Rain pattered against his back as he picks himself up, his bare feet soaking in the cold rain, his heart hammering in his chest and his body churning.

"TODD!" Neil called, looking in both directions, squinting to see through the wall of rain on either side. "Todd!" He called again, wrapping his arms around himself, propelling himself forward.

_The point is, that there's nothing you can do about it. So you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. Alright? _As the rain pours down, soaking him to the bone, Neil can see the look of determination in his mind. _No._ He hears himself say. _What do you mean 'no'?_ He can feel the grin in his head. _No._

"Todd, please!" Neil called again, the weight of his clothes slowing him down, the cold setting into his bones. "Please! I just want to talk!"

He strained his ears to listen for a response. Any kind of response… Nothing.

Biting his lip and holding back tears, he turned, shivering, to head back inside.

"Wait… Neil."

The voice stopped him as a semi-warm hand gripped at his shoulder. The tension and the cold melted from his tall frame as he turned his head slightly, taking in the dripping, puffy eyed Todd in front of him. This was real. He was real. And he was incredibly handsome dripping wet.

"I… Todd, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just… Yes, I'm gay and I'm in love. The guy I'm in love with is sweet and-"

"Stop. Please. I understand. You don't like me. I get it."

The words shell-shocked Neil, who took a step back, his brows shooting up.

"What… What are you talking about, Todd?"

"I… I love you.. But I understand… you don't want me. I get it. I really do." The smile that dimmed on Todd's face broke Neil's heart.

Frowning deeply, Neil stepped forward, reaching his hand up, grasping Todd's cheek with his cold hand. Smiling softly, Neil shook his head.

"It's you, idiot. I love you. You; Todd Anderson. I love you…" His voice was hoarse and his body shook with cold, but it felt right. This moment swelled in his heart. Todd loved him. Neil Perry.

Grinning like a fool, Todd stared at Neil.

"I…" he itched his head and covered Neil's cold hand with his own dripping wet one. His other hand reached up and wiped some dripping water from Neil's cheek. "What now…?" He whispered, not wanting to move to fast, not wanting to give into the better or worse half of him and kiss him.

Laughing, Neil searched Todd's eyes and leaned forward.

"This," he whispered, his eyelids fluttering closed as he pressed his frigid lips to Todd Anderson's. Finally, after so many dreams. So many nights… It was finally his. He could finally have his heart skipping a beat, finally have someone to share everything with…

But unlike his dreams, this was real. This was here and now. This was today, tomorrow and the future all in one sum.

Smiling in the kiss, Neil knew this is what he needed all along. This was what it meant to seize the day and go after his dreams.


End file.
